The Ruminations

Ah yes, so what was some of what I was thinking about that I alluded to very briefly? (this is the selected, not the collected, thoughts!) I realize as I write this that I should probably go to sleep, but sometimes you have to run with your thoughts and the Chi and feel and be in the moment or else you lose the magic. If you don't like this, fuck off.

My roommate once told me that once someone has self-pity, you almost find comfort and enjoy continually putting and keeping yourself in that place. It is a dangerous path to go down and you have to be aware of it, because even the most astute people can fall prey to it.

But what is difference between artificial self-pity and seriously feeling unhappy about yourself? Unhappy might be too strong a word, but what else can be used to describe the following. You have two choices of opportunity and both have the potential to be great but they cannot be followed completely and simultaneously. One can be followed but then prevents the other from being followed or the other can be followed yet it causes quite a problem of development, continuity, and continuation in the one.

It's agonizing because you want both things, yet you cannot. And you wish for things to be the best, and God only knows what will be. Are we like leaves thrown into the wind, there to grit our teeth at unfortunate circumstance that come our way and throw up our hands in defeat? Are we in vain struggling to hold back a torrent of events and causes and effects that are beyond our control and comprehension? Will everything turn out for the better? If you are strong, optimistic, positive, and successful, do you need to fear utter annihilation? What will come of our actions, will they just fade away "like tears in the rain"? Are people really so small that we wring our hands and bite our knuckles and worry ourselves to death because we are too short to see over the next hill the new and improved things that are to come our way and make us laugh in retrospect at how we worried ourselves so silly? Or do you wish you had never wanted to see over the hill in the first place?

I probably threw out a bunch of rhetorical questions and stale stereotypical philosophy? But what else are you do when events in your life tear you apart in opposite directions and all you want is a look, subtle sign of body language, and a little smile that says everything and more than words could have ever done.

Maybe I have cracked. Or maybe I'm just saying what we always thought.

kam